10. Make your head look like Ed Asner's back.

9. Got milk? Good, cause you sure don't got hair.

8. Take the whole bottle, and you'll turn into Fabio.

7. It's the hair club for boneheads.

6. If the pills don't work, you can take the cotton balls out of the bottle and glue them to your head.

5. Now, you too can look as cool as William Shatner.

4. It's like taking your combover to the gym.

3. It's the nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy-head, fever so-you-can-rest baldness pill.

2. Goodbye, Siskel -- hello, Ebert.

1. Side effects -- schmide effects.